Emperor Zolbrax the Bastard

And so I begin a new blog, attempting to succeed where I've failed twice before. It's really not that hard I suppose, writing crap that's mildly entertaining. Don't lie to me and try and say "but your blog should be for you and you alone". Bullshit. The internet was made so people like me could be attention grabbing fuckwits.

Quite easily I may add... That is, if it wasn't for Emperor Zolbrax. That fuck just loves getting right up in my grill. Billions of people he can abduct and he constantly annoys me. It's not like he experiments or probes or anything (and I thank God every day I didn't attract the attentions of Zaltar the Lonely), he's just doing it to be a dick.

Take last thursday for example, I was walking to the mall minding my own business when suddenly I'm fucking dematerialised. No warning, no "caution earthling", no nothing to warn me that I'll be atoms in a second. Who do I see the moment I'm whole again? Goddamn Zolbrax that's who.

"Dan?" He's trying to act innocent but choking back laughter, "I thought I was in cow country. I must have set my food-dar to soylent green. You know how we like a good beefy burger now and then, right buddy?"

"Look Zolbrax," I decide I'm gonna lay down the law this time, "Don't screw with me here. I know you're a four star pilot, you know your way around a... Is this a nebulon?"

"Yeah, 2006 model."

"Sweet man."

"I know."

"Anyway," I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried to ignore the sweet faux wood panelling, "You know your way around a goddamn ship, there's no way you'd misset your food-dar. And since I know you have no intention of eating me, that means you're just fucking around. I was trying to go to the mall man, what if I had a job interview or something?"

Zolbrax's two mouths curled downwards into frowns, he knew I was looking for work. Hell, this whole feud started when I turned him down after he offered me a job as a navigator. It was a sweet gig, but I had school in september and I didn't want to be away from my family for space-months at a time. He swore a little time travel could fix that right up, but I wasn't insured at the time. If I even fucked up the fabric of space time one little bit then my premiums would go through the roof. But as I was saying, he knew he was being a dick. I mean, he wanted to annoy me but didn't want to cost me a job.

He looked to the left, and thanks to his compound eyes looked to the right at the same time. Made sheepish glances quite a bit faster. His automatic head scratcher descended from the ceiling and he just kind of sat there like a blob on a spaceship as it did it's work.

This is in no way a dig at all the blobs out there, I'm feeling you.

"Sorry man." He finally admitted.

"Yeah, it's ok." And with that one of his tentacles lashed out and pulled a lever. Within moments I was back on solid ground, I then proceeded to go to Music World like originally planned. They didn't have At War With the Mystics by The Flaming Lips, so I never bought anything. Waste of a trip really.

I've digressed, I never told you how Zolbrax the Bastard held up this blog. One phrase: E-Cards. Now, E-Cards from space take forever to load using our internet, so when I waited three days only to see a little animation and "Your Friend Zolbrax wants you to have a great day!" I was kind of pissed. I could have used that time to make a blog.

And I know he was fucking laughing from high orbit.

So, all I really want to say now is fuck you Zolbrax, and see you at poker Friday.